JENSIZED LAST ACTIVITY IN MEMPHIS TOWN

This is not the post youre looking for.

By Jen

There was a post here about a once-beloved local business that I thought had begun selling its signature product again. I mean, my husband had brought said product to me. It was wonderful. I wanted to reach out to the people who would care, so I wrote about it here. I provided information on how the product could be obtained.

I was asked to take the post down, because the person had gotten some calls from people wanting to purchase the product. I don’t agree with it, but if he doesn’t want money or to make people happy I won’t get in his way.

We need to talk about your alcoholic home decor.

By Jen

Yesterday I went to several stores looking for a hairbrush caddy. Or something I could use as a hairbrush caddy. Some kind of hanging wall storage for my brushes, to keep me from leaving them in the sink and getting hair everywhere. Such a thing apparently doesn’t exist, at least not in the form I imagined. Remembering I have a sewing machine, I eventually gave up and decided to make something myself.

What I did find, however, was a disturbing trend. Every store I visited had several pieces for sale that wantonly glorify getting totally slizzered. Whither the simpler days, when people showcased their love of hooch with a well-stocked liquor cabinet?

Get too drunk to understand that water is required to grow the grapes to make wine, as well as the sugar that makes champagne fizzy. Science!

These are wine bottle holders. Collect them all! Or, put your bottle of wine on a table like a normal person and save $30. You can spend that on more wine, you hound.

Only funny if the glass is full of soup. And then, only funny because who eats soup from a wine glass?

Wonder why this one was on clearance? (I bet it’s because it’s ugly.) Somewhere on some salon wall there is a sign that says “I would rather have shampoo than real poo.”

Never underestimate the power of beer… to give you yeast bloat and rancid breath! And anyway, doesn’t letting your wife decorate your “man cave” kinda defeat the purpose? Because I only saw one man at that store, and he was most definitely there against his will.

Renaming three Memphis parks: My recommendations

By Jen

In those days people didn’t mind rollerskating around a statue of a slave-trading Confederate general who founded the KKK.

The City of Memphis’ Parks Naming Committee is hosting a public forum to discuss potential names for three Memphis parks. Nathan Bedford Forrest Park, Confederate Park, and Jefferson Davis Park were given new, temporary names in February because of their negative associations with slavery and the Civil War.

The forum, set for Monday April 1, will begin at 4:30 in City Council chambers. Citizens wishing to present a recommendation are asked to see the security guard at the front of the chamber for a card granting time on the floor. Presentations will be brief, and the committee asks that citizens present their suggestions without going “deep into conversation about individual, personal interpretations of history,” according to a release.

Additionally, a form has been set up online to submit name suggestions.

I plan to attend the meeting, first because I love a good ole’ City Council brawl, but also because I’ve come up with three great names that I feel embody the spirit of the city.

1. PARC GASOL

Marc Gasol is a member of an elite group of Grizzlies who also went to high school in Memphis. He is a two-time Olympic silver medalist and an NBA All-Star. He’s one of the best centers in the NBA. He led the Grizzlies to their first playoff series victory. Not only is Marc the best Gasol, he’s a great Memphian. He deserves his own park.

2. JOSH PASTURE

Continuing the “Hoop City theme, Josh Pastner is another good citizen whose recent commitment to Memphis deserves recognition. After going undefeated in Conference USA, taking the Memphis Tigers to the NCAA tournament for the third straight year and finally winning a game, Pastner had ample opportunities in front of him. He chose to remain here in Memphis. I’m sure money played no small part. But here in Memphis, we reward loyalty.

3. BBQ PULLED PARK SHOULDER

I’m not gonna lie, this one’s my favorite. Everyone knows about Memphis’ love affair with smoked meats, and our pride in being not only the best (shut up Kansas City) BBQ town in the world, but the host of one of the biggest BBQ competitions. Naming one of the parks BBQ PULLED PARK SHOULDER simultaneously glorifies our fatness and our commitment to recreation!

Other names for consideration:

“Park Can Be Fun,” “Grit ‘n’ Ground,” “The Parkade,” “FedEx Park”

Why Grumpy Cats isnt grumpy at all

By Jen

“Tard,” better known to most of us as “Grumpy Cat,” has been an Internet sensation for about six months now, and it’s time for the poor kitty’s fifteen minutes to end.

Grumpy Cat’s star began to rise in September, when Reddit users made her a meme. And boy, have her owners cashed in. Her official website offers T-shirts, mugs, magnets, iPhone cases, playing cards and custom birthday cards with the cat’s face on it. That part I don’t mind. I wish my cats would bring in some income.

What I do mind, is the increasingly obvious fact that Grumpy Cat is not actually grumpy. And here’s why.

1. Grumpy Cat looks the way she does because she is afflicted with feline dwarfism.

Considering that, I’m not so sure her nickname is actually short for “Tardar Sauce” (the stuff you eat with your catfish is tartar sauce) and not another word with “tard” in it. Either way, dwarfism, like in humans, is a genetic mutation that causes shortening of the limbs. Also as in humans, dwarf cats face health risks associated with their dwarfism. On her website her owners claim that she has a clean bill of health and is a perfectly normal kitty. But she’s less than a year old. She’s still a kitten.

2. Grumpy Cat travels.

Look, my cat Buddy is the mellowest cat you’ll ever meet. He lets us pick him up and carry him around the house like a baby (and he likes it). But even he freaks out when I put him in the car. There are a few breeds whose dispositions are more suited to travel, but most cats don’t enjoy traveling. Grumpy Cat has been on several TV shows. She’s been to SXSW more times than I have, unfortunately. If that cat was really grumpy it would take untold millions of dollars for her owner to take it anywhere. Take it from me.

Grumpy Cat is OK around strangers. Lots of strangers.

And dogs.

The Daily Grump, February 19

And Anderson Cooper.

She lets Andy smooch on her like it’s no bigs

And Andrew WK.

Andrew WK has something in common with Grumpy Cat: As awesome as he is, I’m not totally sure why he’s relevant.

4. Grumpy Cat lets her owners put clothes on her.

Scott Beale of Laughingsquid captures Grumpy Cat during her trip to New York, just chillin’ in a Santa hat. Because, y’know, cats do that.

So, the more we know about the so-called Grumpy Cat, the less grumpy she turns out to be. I may get banned from the Internet for this, but I think it’s time to move on.

XOJane, explained

By Jen

Gawker demystifies my super strange addiction:

XOJane.com is a site specializing in an advanced version of trolling in which A a community of like-minded readers is cultivated and B that community is led, little by little, to ever more ridiculous editorial horizons, until they wake up one day wondering, “What the f— am I reading?”

– The 20 best trollings in modern history