Cross-promotion break!

February 3rd, 2010 § 0

I don’t usually use this space to promote my other projects, because frankly, I don’t often have other projects going on. But a couple of months ago I started a Tumblr called LUNCHBRAG dedicated to memorable lunches. For example:

Gus’s fried chicken. It’s the only thing that’s kept you from the brink of despair at work. So brag about it.

I get plenty of awesome submissions but would like to branch out of Memphis (and, love you guys, my circle of friends) a little more, for the sake of variety. So help me spread the word. If you want to submit your incredible noms, you can e-mail pics to lunchbrag at gmail or use this handy submission form. Be sure to include a description of what it is and where it came from.

Open letter to the sweaty old chap at the gym.

February 2nd, 2010 § 0

Dear guy at the gym who does not wipe the machines after use,

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I see you at the on-campus recreation center, prolonging your life with exercise. I know it can’t be easy, considering you look old enough to have sired most of the gym’s patrons, myself included. So, even if your routine is doctor-mandated or New-Year’s-resolved, I applaud you for your courage and dedication.

That said, we need to talk about your sweating.

Sweating is a means of regulating one’s body temperature, whether it’s elevated by heat or exertion. So, at the gym, it’s only natural. However, in the cardio and weight rooms several signs are posted requesting that we wipe machines down after we’ve finished using them. This applies to the exercise machines (elliptical, treadmill, recumbent bike) and the weight machines. For convenience, there are paper towel dispensers and spray bottles filled with sanitizer placed throughout.

Yes, I see that dingy towel you carry from machine to machine with which you wipe your face and hands. Sometimes I pray that you will at least use it to sop up the ass-shaped puddle of sweat you secrete onto the seat of the chest press machine. My prayers still go unanswered.

I’ve considered reporting your unsanitary ways to the staff. I’ve even considered confronting you myself with a freshly-sprayed paper towel and pointing at the nearest sign.

But then I think to myself, “I’m here to clear my head. I don’t want any trouble.”

And I then take a deep breath and try not to glare too much at you while I wipe your sweat off the calf extension machine.

In closing, I know you’re probably never going to read this letter, and I’m never going to say anything to you besides “Good evening.” But damn it felt good to get this off my chest.

Thanks,
Jen

What is it about Lady Gaga?

February 1st, 2010 § 4

Most celebrities have a shtick; a signature “quirk,” if you will, by which consumers can recognize them. Elton John in the seventies with the glasses, Flavor Flav with the clocks, for example. I get it. I see video of Madonna from the 80s and think, “Oh, that’s her thing, exaggerated sexuality, blah blah blah.” I don’t feel one way or the other about it.

So why is it that the sight of Lady Gaga in one of her stupid costumes sends me into fits of rage? I know what she’s doing and it isn’t all that different from Kevin Barnes (Of Montreal) or Marilyn Manson or the damn Village People. Yet I cannot mask my disgust for this woman.

Potential theories:

  1. I’m projecting my hatred for her music onto her.
  2. Or, maybe I subconsciously like her music and am looking for a reason not to like her. This is less likely than the above, because all her songs sound identical – and annoying as crap – to me.
  3. I can’t help feeling like she’s a pawn manufactured to pander to “the gays.” Yes, I know female pop artists are popular in the gay club scene. But with the music industry in its current state, when artists like Gaga pop on to the scene, it’s often because they’re manufactured by record labels (see also: Owl City). Every time I see her I imagine a room full of industry suits licking their lips and saying “Oh, ‘the gays’ are gonna love this one.” By the way, I put “the gays” in quotes because it’s such an absurdly broad category, yet apparently nuanced enough for marketers and ad types.
  4. She’s rude.Fig 1:

    Look at those poor souls around her at the Grammys. They can’t see over her stupid hat sculpture, and she’s all up in everyone’s personal space. As someone who always finds herself stuck behind the tallest person in the room at concerts, weddings, etc. this makes my blood boil. Think of the people around you for chrissakes. Even the guy whose hand she’s holding looks mortified.
  5. She looks stupid.
    I am in full support of making bold fashion choices, but isn’t looking attractive the objective? Does anyone find the outfit above to be even close to sexy? It’s certainly not flattering. If this is how we’re supposed to dress in the future you can count me out. It looks ridiculous.
  6. She doesn’t wear pants.
    Generations before us fought for women’s right to wear pants and you are just spitting in their faces, Lady Gaga. Plus, two words: Slippery. Slope. If I start seeing regular ladies strolling pantsless down the street, I will hold you personally accountable.
  7. Lady Gaga works tirelessly to detach herself as much as possible from her audience with the costumes and bizarre choreography, it’s impossible to relate to her.
  8. The old standby: “I’m just jealous.” I’m not, but this is a list of potential theories so I have to include it.

Right now, I’m leaning toward a combination of 1,3 and 5, but feel free to add your theories in comments.

Let me get this straight…

January 29th, 2010 § 0

Just saw this linked on Jezebel:

Ex-John Edwards mistress Rielle Hunter tries to block ‘private and personal’ video (ABC)

For those keeping score at home, this guy not only

  1. cheated on his cancer-stricken wife
  2. conceived an illegitimate child
  3. had an aide cover up the whole affair by claiming paternity

but… wait for it…

MADE A SEX TAPE?

“There was one tape that was marked ’special,’” Andrew Young told ABC News’ Bob Woodruff in an exclusive interview, describing his discovery of a tape in Hunter’s trash. “It’s a sex tape of Rielle and John Edwards made just a couple of months before the Iowa caucuses.”

This guy could have been our President.  Instead he is the official spokesmodel for Bad Idea Jeans. All I can say is… wow.

R.I.P.

January 28th, 2010 § 0

“What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it…”

J.D. Salinger
January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010

Tim Tebow will not go quietly.

January 27th, 2010 § 3

I used to think there was nothing on earth more odious than a man pontificating about a woman’s right to choose. Y’know, come to me when you find out you have something living inside your body that could not only cause you immense hardship, but could possibly kill you. Et cetera.

Turns out I was wrong.


Sorry, but I really don’t appreciate this Jesus-loving crybaby virgin man telling me what to do with my body. And especially not during the Super Bowl. During the SUPER BOWL! COME ON!

WaPo:

Never one to be shy about touting his Christian beliefs (starting with those Bible chapter-verse references inscribed in white letters on black smudges under his eyes during games), Tebow will appear in the commercial with his mother, Pam, who reportedly will tell one of the Tebow family’s favorite stories: How, after severe complications arose in her 1987 pregnancy, she declined medical advice to have an abortion. Her fifth child — Tim — was born and went on to win the Heisman trophy in 2007 (and is rarin’ to go for the 2010 NFL draft).

OK, I get the classic “Don’t have an abortion! What if that baby grew up to cure cancer or win the Heisman trophy!” bit. I was raised Catholic. Trust me, I’ve heard it. Thing is, it’s beside the point, which is,

TIM TEBOW IS HERE BECAUSE HIS MOTHER HAD A CHOICE.

Yes, she chose to disregard her doctor’s professional medical advice, and I can’t say I would have made the same decision in her situation. Nonetheless, she made a choice. Nobody forced her to have an abortion, but she did what she thought was best for her and her body, science be damned.

And here’s Focus on the Family’s official position:

Focus on the Family opposes abortion under all circumstances, except in the rare instance when the mother’s life is threatened by continuing the pregnancy.

So, is Tim Tebow really the right guy for the job? Because the organization he’s speaking for says abortion would be OK in his situation. But his mom – wait for it – chose not to have one. HAHA! YOU’RE PRO-CHOICE, TIM TEBOW! I CAN USE DOUBLESPEAK TOO!

With a heart of Gold…man Sachs.

January 26th, 2010 § 0

GOOD posted an infographic depicting million-plus-dollar donations to Haitian relief efforts. Most of the corporate donors are banks and financial service providers, some of whom are receiving TARP funds.

  • Bank of America: $1 million
  • Credit Agricole: $1 million
  • Credit Suisse: $1 million
  • Goldman Sachs: $1 million
  • JP Morgan Chase: $1 million
  • Morgan Stanley: $1 million
  • Deutsche Bank: $4 million

Well how about that. Another two, Hess and Conoco Phillips, are oil companies.

Am I horrible for being just a tad cynical about this?

Well, shit.

January 25th, 2010 § 1

I got hacked.

Everything was erased, and in its place, some scammy Paypal shit and a front-page homage to the “PALESTINIAN HACKER” who apparently got some kind of thrill out of wiping out 5 years of what sometimes seems like my only creative expression.

I could make some nasty comment about suicide bombers and settlement-building, but I’m above that. Instead, I’m trying to rebuild, restore and secure the best I can. Bummer some good posts will get lost in the process. Pardon my dust. I would say I’ll be BACK BETTER THAN EVER, but I make no guarantees.

UPDATE:
Since the last time I backed up my Wordpress database was in September, I’ve been copying/pasting posts dating back to then from Google Reader. If you subscribe via RSS, sorry for clogging up your reader. Lesson learned.

I want to be in that number…

January 25th, 2010 § 0

Saints Video: Bourbon Street

Sometimes I worry about the future…

January 21st, 2010 § 0

(originally posted 1.21.2010)

I’m into replicas. Like iPhone soap and candles that look like Peeps. R2D2 salt and pepper shakers. Those play-food sets that look like mini versions of name-brand canned goods. The Etch-a-Sketch keychain I sported on my backpack in high school. Stuff like that. So by extension I think it’s awesome when kids dress like tiny adults.

Except this kid… I think?


via the awl

I mean, that’s kinda cute, right? He’s like a little tiny Big Pun. I have no idea what he’s saying – but his song is catchy, and he’s got some pretty decent moves for a kid who looks about 8. But he has little video hoes. Sure they’re wearing pink and look a lot more “little-girl-y” than certain famous kids. But one’s showing midriff, and I disapprove of the pint-sized hoochies just on principle.

Is this hilarious, or horrible? Better yet, is this even for real?

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