JENSIZED LAST ACTIVITY IN MEMPHIS TOWN

Wedding countdown: when vanity sets in

By Jen

“My wedding is a month away and I don’t want to look like a ghoul.”
“How long has it been since you used a tanning bed?”
“Ummmm… summer 2010? And I only went like twice.”
“Woof.* Well, we better get you started.”

This is my life for the next six weeks. Gym, tan, diet (If you thought I was going to say “laundry” you don’t know me at all). So much for spitting in the face of the wedding industrial complex: I need Michelle arms and a face that’s not the same color as my dress A.S.A.P.

You can’t tell by looking at me — “woof,” indeed — but I actually sorta enjoy tanning. Yes, I am aware of the risks. I also drink alcohol and inhale secondhand smoke and sometimes I jaywalk. So you can say I’m a risk taker.

But it’s relaxing. Meditative, even. It’s like a bubble bath, but in a coffin full of fluorescent light bulbs.

*She actually said that. And oddly enough, it didn’t bother me.