Dear guy at the gym who does not wipe the machines after use,

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I see you at the on-campus recreation center, prolonging your life with exercise. I know it can’t be easy, considering you look old enough to have sired most of the gym’s patrons, myself included. So, even if your routine is doctor-mandated or New-Year’s-resolved, I applaud you for your courage and dedication.

That said, we need to talk about your sweating.

Sweating is a means of regulating one’s body temperature, whether it’s elevated by heat or exertion. So, at the gym, it’s only natural. However, in the cardio and weight rooms several signs are posted requesting that we wipe machines down after we’ve finished using them. This applies to the exercise machines (elliptical, treadmill, recumbent bike) and the weight machines. For convenience, there are paper towel dispensers and spray bottles filled with sanitizer placed throughout.

Yes, I see that dingy towel you carry from machine to machine with which you wipe your face and hands. Sometimes I pray that you will at least use it to sop up the ass-shaped puddle of sweat you secrete onto the seat of the chest press machine. My prayers still go unanswered.

I’ve considered reporting your unsanitary ways to the staff. I’ve even considered confronting you myself with a freshly-sprayed paper towel and pointing at the nearest sign.

But then I think to myself, “I’m here to clear my head. I don’t want any trouble.”

And I then take a deep breath and try not to glare too much at you while I wipe your sweat off the calf extension machine.

In closing, I know you’re probably never going to read this letter, and I’m never going to say anything to you besides “Good evening.” But damn it felt good to get this off my chest.

Thanks,
Jen