If you name an event based on any of these criteria, I will not attend. I don’t care if it looks like the most amazing party ever, I won’t go.

This will be an ongoing list. Feel free to contribute in comments.

1. Intentional misspellings
These include: using Z in place of S, Y in place of I… eg “Party Tymez,” a dual offender

2. Names that sound like I would have to take a time machine to 1996 to attend
eg “Alien Outlaws” or worse, “Alien Outlawz”

3. Any event called “Revival” or “Metamorphosis”
Unless it is a tent revival or a cocoon watching party

4. “(Name’s) Third Annual 29th Birthday Party”
If you celebrate your birthday you don’t get to pretend you’re not getting older.

5. Vague names
FRIDAY!!!!! is not an acceptable name for your event. Friday will happen regardless of whether you host a party. Yeah, an event called ROCK SHOW! will catch my eye, but who’s playing? Gotta grab me with the headline.

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